have given up, given or thrown away everything i own five times since 2012, my books now line my friends’ shelves, my guitars sit on stands in their living rooms and offices, drifting out of tune in the backs of their closets. i didn’t understand what i was doing each time i set it all on fire in preparation to leave, or return, but now that i’ve identified the pattern i know—i was trying to erase myself though it never really worked, the parts i meant to smother are still alive and the ones that let me smile and chatter and nod along are gone. now i’m quieter, stiller, less expressive though nothing’s wrong, i’m just not that interested anymore in filling empty space
days weeks months
years away from this
sand trees bluffs
the breezy ocean mist
here changed gone
we’ve set it all adrift
savor ache move on
nothing can persist
throw out old sweaters, your half written letters, try to pretend you couldn’t have loved them better, cut off half your hair, twirl in your office chair, reckon with the life for which you’ve settled, get drunk off your head, sleep in a strange bed, wake to find you’re at home
the things that get you are always the things you don’t expect to miss…
your room’s in tatters, none of this matters, pragmatic concerns have always been background chatter, crash like a waterfall, flick your wrist at this all, life’s not worth living lest you leave it battered, try living sober, get drunk all over, whatever keeps you afloat
days weeks months
years away from this
savor ache move on
nothing can persist
11:17 