i blamed you the morning of
later i started worshipping you but the truth is you didn’t do anything—you got me to the clinic sure but i puked it up all the same the air ripped into my lungs my eyes screamed open before they even stuck me no one pumped my stomach or heaved their palms into my chest my sternum remains unbroken not a drop of ipecac entered my system. i alone am responsible for my resuscitation and i count that as a failing, a consequence of my inability to let go. i was descending that black staircase, spiraling toward a center where nothing could exist, each breath sharper and more strained than the last—until there came that sudden uprush of light, the one that erased everything, even my body, even my name, everything but itself—and just as the train was leaving
i should have checked out then. what would i have missed? falling out with dustin. becoming an affront to everyone i love. the trump presidency. covid. not much worth sticking around for, honestly. of course i wouldn’t have logged so many thousands of miles on my bike, wouldn’t have met my best students, lived in 연정 or found my way across russia, china, or europe, heard the nin trilogy or the patriots day soundtrack, certainly would never have met, much less written…
(which, by the way, is just a fucking story)
…never would have pissed off with you to cat and butterfly land or dreamt that impossible dream, on top of that mountain, when the sky was opened and all we could see was
time’s moving we’re stuck choosing what among these vital things we don’t mind losing lop your arm off feel the blood flow convince yourself that you’re still on the straight and narrow slam the gas down feel your gut drop up the speed til you feel something in your heart stop cut the line short shut the noise out however much you try to tamp it down you still can’t kill the
it’s right
it’s wrong
it’s off
it’s on
it’s here
now it’s
before we went our separate ways before our gods each had their say before we drew dividing lines we drew our warmth from the same light as each sunset begets sunrise as every truth gives birth to lies as hellfire rains down from above as hottest hate springs forth from love
we rage we pray
we love we hate
we fuck we weep
we laugh we sleep
we’re off we’re on
we’re here we’re gone
we’ve run through it
now as we’re wading through the deep dear god i pray our souls you keep it’s not the things we left for dead it’s those still writhing in my head pulsing down on the ocean floor eyeless sharp toothed hungry for more we took the steps to set this right god will this trail me all my life
we rage we pray
we love we hate
we fuck we weep
we laugh we sleep
we’re off we’re on
we’re here we’re gone
we’ve run through it
11:17 